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HICKS AT COLLEGE 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

?ARA PRESTON, AMY OLIVER 

AND 

RALPH E. DYAR 



Copyright, 1909, by The Dramatic Publishing Company 



CHICAGO AND NEW YORK 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



T5C? 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Preseuted by the Senior Class of the University of Minnesota. 

Hiram Hicks, The Braino Man Frederic D. Calhoun 

Tom Horton, who writes Advertisements William R. Wells 

Fritz Jordan, Horton's chum who plays basket ball, Nathan Blackburn 
Adam Biddicut, Professor in Northern University. .. Herbert Dewart 
Dean Smiley, Dean of the College of Arts in Northern University, 

Edward F. Swenson 

Percy Robbins, a recent arrival from " deah Boston " Ralph Dyar 

Adolph Hopkins, a lazy boy Harry Miller 

Bastian Briggs, a dig Arnold Frye 

Josh Anderson, a basket ball enthusiast Claude Randall 

Charlie Padlet, reporter for the " Daily Shriek," Heibert Woodward 

Peter, the popular proprietor of "The Pal " Charles Murphy 

Walker, manager for the Braino Man Dana Easton 

June Grant, i Seniors, chums, and interested res- Sara Preston 

Polly Porter, ) pectively in Horton and Jordan, Florence Hofflin 

Claire Angeline Jones, a stage struck girl Katherine DeVeau 

Susy Spriggins, a freshman with a crush Inez Applebee 

Daisy Armstrong, an athletic girl Rose Marie Schaller 

Fluff Finley, a fusser girl Grace Smith 

Flora Belle Delamartyr, waitress at " The Pal,".. .Marjorie Vance 

Mrs. Cohr, housekeeper at "The Quarters " Sabra Swenson 

Lily, maid at " The Quarters " Ethel Spooner 

Bill posters. Newsboys, Members of Team, etc. 
Scene — Northern University, a coeducational college. 



Flay presented under direction of Miss Grace Garrish and A. B. Kachel. 
P'or the class — Jacob Wilk, Business manager; Frank S. Lyon, Assistant. 



Notice. — The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
amateuis, who may perform the play without permission. 



'CI.D 1736(j 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 



ACT I. 



Scene — The Palace of Sweets, familiarly Jcnown as " The 

Pal;" the meeting place of town and college. 
Time — Morning, three days before the championship game. 

Discovered at rise — Tom and hoys down left; girls down, 
right. 

[Yell given as curtain rises.'\ 

" Eah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. 

Rah, rah, rah, — Northern ! 

Peters. [Hurries doivn c] Stop, Stop, Stop! You 
skoll take roof off ! You drive mae customers vay. One 
big wolf won't come up to door against such hollerbaloo. 

Tom. Thank us, Peters, for keeping the wolf from the 
door! 

Peters. Bon't make joke, Tom Horton. This ban all 
your fault, ain't it? It skoll always Tom, Tom, Tom — 
Tom in everything. 

Tom. I cannot tell a lie ; Peters ; I did it with my little 
megaphone ! 

Peters. This ban no laughing business. You skoll 
drive mae trade away; nobody skoll eat beside one big 
cyclone ! 

Tom. [Delighted, to crowd.'] Do you hear that? 
Cyclone ! We'll siiow those Wishagainers ! Now again — 
give number sixteen. 

\Men and Daisy yell; others mave handle erchiefs.l 

Peters. [Disgusted.] You ban one big fool ! 

8 



4 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Briggs. Gentlemen, Mr. Peters is right. This con- 
duct is most unseemly. Let us have decorum. 

[He is interrupted by cat-calls, '' cut it outs," etc.'] 

Percy. Why not express our enthusiasm as we do in 
our Pierian Spring Literary Society in Boston, by flutter- 
ing our handkerchiefs ? 

[Boys flutter handkerchiefs daintily, then yell as before.'] 

Peters. [Hands over ears.] Oh, Oh, Oh! 

Tom. Sorry, Peters, but you know the big basket-ball 
game is only three days off. I tell you what — I'll write 
some ads to draw back the customers, wolf and all. 

Daisy. Bully for Tom. 

Peters. You will? 

Tom. Sure. 

Peters. That skoll be fine. You ban that smart ! 

[They withdraw up right, surrounded by boys.] 

Daisy. [Going to table, left.] Girls! We've got 
Peters buffaloed ! 

Percy. Pahdon me. Miss Daisy, but — ah — it's a deli- 
cate mattah, you know, — but do you considah it quite — ah 
— ladylike to — as it were — root? 

Daisy. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing it, would I ? 

Percy. don't take it like that, Miss Daisy. But 
isn't it a little — as it were — too — ah — masculine? 

Daisy. Is that why you don't root, Perc — (imitates) 
too — ah — masculine ? 

[She goes over to girls.] 

Flora. [Down left to Josii.] The confectioners' clerks 
union are going to give a great carnival and I'm going to 
be queen; ain't that swell? 

Josh. [Holds out hand.] Put it there. Flora, it's 
ripping. 

Percy. [Behind Flora.] Madam — 

Josh. Us fellows will all come down to see you on your 
throne. 

Percy. Madam^, permit me — 

Flora. Aw, go on — will you, sure? 

Percy. Madam, allow me to ask — 

Flora. [Turning.] Say, who are you, anyhow? 



HICKS AT COLLEGE, 5 

Josh. Allow me to present Mr. Percy Robbins, late 
from Boston — Miss DelaMartyr. 

Flora. I thought you looked like you came from the 
effete East. [*S/ie looks him over, rearranges his tie, etc.] 
Now run away, Cutie — I haven't time to talk to little boys 
to-day. 

[She brushes him aside and goes over to the girU.] 

Josh. [To surprised PERoy.] Isn't she a Queen? 
You've got to know Flora if you want anything to eat at 
" The Pal." [They go up to group at back.] 

Polly. What those boys would do without Tom's adver- 
tisements to get them out of scrapes, I don't know. 

Fluff. They might have stayed and talked. Now, go 
on with your story, Daisy. 

Daisy. As I was telling you, Susy here sent Polly some 
violets to ease that awful crush she's got, and they got in 
the wrong post-box — 

Claire. And a man got them — just like a play. [All 
sit at table.] 

Susy. I don't see anything so funny. 

Flora. [Brisk, Uiit aloof.] What dope to-day? 

Polly. Have you some of that perfectly lovely rose- 
colored ice? 

Flora. All out. 

Claire. I'll take mint ice. Girls, it's grand ! all green 
and shimmery like Leslie Carter's eyes. 

Flora. All out. 

Claire. [Desperately.] Have you any plain ice- 
cream ? I detest it, but I'll have some. 

Flora. [Writiiig ordei's.] Plain dough. 

Daisy. Give me a sundae — all sorts of fruits mixed. 

Flora. [Writing.] Rummage sale. 

Polly. I'll have some absolutely pure chocolate ice- 
cream. 

Susy. Me too. 

Flora. []yriting.'\ Pittsburg Mud — two. 

Fluff. Maple nut sundae. 

Flora. Sawdust and brown gravy. 

POLI/Y, For goodness sake^ what are you saying? 



g HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Flora. \_Tcstihj.] I was just naming over your orders 
as fast as you gave them. 

[^Exit Flora to fill orders.'] 

Peters. [^Coming down front.'] That skoll be fine, 
Tom! 

Jordan. [To Polly.] Come on out of this, I want to 
talk to you. 

Polly. Is Peters fixed? 

Jordan. Sure. Tom made up some rhymes about his 
grub and the old man's tickled pink. [They talk aside.] 

Percy. [To Daisy.] Basket-ball rather jars my 
sensibilities. 

Daisy. Nonsensibilities, I should say. 

Percy. The time is not far off when we will be aesthetic 
and graceful in our games, and as cultured in our sports as 
we are in our reading. 

Daisy. What do you read — the " Elsie Books? " 

Percy. Basket-ball, like foot-ball, is a relic of 
barbarism, we debated the question in our Pierian Spring 
Literary Society and decided that it must go — 

Daisy. I wish you wouldn't talk that way about basket- 
ball, Percy Robbins ! I suppose in Boston you play Ping- 
Pong and drop the handkerchief ! 

Percy. I consider Ping-Pong a very nice game. 

Daisy. You make me downright tired ! 

Percy. [Haughtily.] Miss Armstrong, I have half a 
mind — 

Daisy. Yes, and that's about all ! [She leaves Percy 
open mouthed and goes over to the girls.] Come on, 
girls, let's give the yell on the campus. It takes to long 
to eat. [They start away.] 

Susy. But we haven't paid for our orders. 

Polly. That's all right, dear. You may pay if you'll 
be good. 

[Exit men and girls.] 

Susy. [Ecstatic] Isn't she the grandest thing! 

[She anxiously counts the money and pays the hills.] 

Polly. [At door.] Coming, Fritz? [Enter HiCK§ 
and Walker.] 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 7 

Fritz. Coming! [He is delayed by Hicks who shakes 
hands and talks.] 

Polly. Come on, Tom. 

Tom. In a minute, Polly. [Exit Polly. Tom goes 
over to counter and talks to Flora.] 

Flora. [Giggling.] You are a nuisance, Tom, but you 
do manage Peters. 

Tom. [Airily.] I jollied him up with a verse or two 
to advertise his biz. But I kept the best one. 

Flora. What for? 

Tom. You. 

Flora. Aw, go on. 

Tom. Well, see how you like it. 

" take a look at Flora. 

The fellows all adore-a. 

They like her to distraction. 

She is 'The Pal's' attraction. 

Take a look at Flora-bella at the Pal ! '* 

Flora. Say, ain't that cute. [Both laugh.] 

Hicks. [To Jordan.] So that's Tom Horton, is it? 

Fritz. That's your man, all right. He sure can write 
ads. 

Hicks. So I heard; and I've been looking for him 
since. 

Fritz. [Pointing to signs on walls, etc.'] He did that, 
and that — that one was to pacify Peters when Josh stole 
the front sign — and that one when we made so much 
racket, he swore he wouldn't let us in the Pal again. He 
did, though. 

Hicks. [Reading signs.] Good, good — snappy and 
short — just what I want. 

Fritz. Tom sells some of them, too, to pay his expenses 
— pretty good money in it. 

Hicks. I'll hire him at a good salary. Good-bye. Hope 
you will be as good a man as your father was, Jordan — ■ 
when you are a man. [Exit Jordan.] 

Hicks. [Advancing to Tom.] Mr. Horton! Mr, 
Horton ! 

Flora, Some one to speak to you, Tom, 



8 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Tom. \}Yitliout turning.'] Busy; back soon. 

Hicks. Hope you aren't engaged, sir. 

Flora. [Ooquettishly.'] Not yet. 

Tom. [Turning to Hicks.] . I beg your pardon. What 
can I do for you, sir? 

Hicks. My name is Hicks ; this is my manager, Walker. 
[All shake liands.~\ You may have heard of me — I'm the 
Braino Man. 

Tom. You don't say so ! You don't look the part. 
[Hicks looks puzzled.] 

Walker. [Impressively.'] You don't understand, Mr. 
Horton. Mr. Hicks is the manufacturer of Braino Break- 
fast Food. 

Tom. [Aside.] Wouldn't that whittle your pine 
shingles? [To Hicks.] I beg your pardon, Mr. Braino 
— I mean Mr. Hicks. Will you kindly enlighten my 
ignorance as to the exact nature of Braino Breakfast 
Food? 

Hicks. The greatest Breakfast Food on this great 
earth. You eat it for breakfast, dinner, and supper — 

Tom. [Aside.] He thinks I am a horse. 

Walker. And between meals. 

Tom. [Aside.] I'm beginning to have indigestion. 

Walker. You eat it with a spoon. 

Hicks. One part of Braino to two parts of cream. 

Tom. I suppose the cream is nourishing. 

Hicks. Look here, you won't sell much Braino if you 
talk about it in that way. 

Tom. Holy smoke ! I didn't know I was billed to ad- 
vertise Braino. 

Hicks. I came here to hire you as my advertising man 
— that is, if you can do the work. What have you done in 
that line? 

Tom. [Calling.] Oh, Peters, [Peters appears at the 
door right.] Mr. Hicks wants to hear some of those ads 
I've written for you. Give him a sample. 

Peters. [Shouts from the doorway.] "Eaters, go to 
Peters." 

Tom. Now, Flora, it's your turn. 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 9 

Flora. [At center.'] " Oh, take a look at Flora, 
The fellows all adore-a ; 
They like her to distraction — 
She's the Pal's attraction. 
Take a look at Flora-bella at ' The Pal.' 

Hicks. [Slaps knee.] You're just the man I want to 
push Braino. You know " Frisk," our rival breakfast 
food ? 

Tom. Sure. 

Hicks. Everybody does. Their advertising man has 
taken the world by storm. " Be brisk — eat Frisk." Can 
you write something as clever as that for Braino? Take 
the world by a brain storm ? 

Tom. " Be brainy, eat Braino." 

Hicks. I'll pay you $200 a month. Can you start to- 
morrow ? 

Tom. No. 

Hicks. I thought you were only going to college. 

Tom. " Only ! " It keeps me jumping thirty-six hours 
a day. 

Hicks. You don't say so ! But I'm offering you some- 
thing really worth while to do. 

Tom. I say — I'll be glad to take it when I get my 
degree. 

Hicks. That will be — 

Tom. In June. 

Hicks. I can't wait. Business is business ! Besides, 
what's the use of a clever chap like you wasting eight 
months of his time at college ? Any chance of your leaving 
sooner ? 

Tom. [Cheerfully.] If I get flunked out. 

Hicks. What's that? 

Tom. Soaked, canned, handed my walking papers — 
asked to leave. 

Hicks. [Anxiously.] Any hope? 

Tom. Perhaps in Biddicut's — 

Hicks. Biddicut's? We didn't have those new-fangled 
studies in my days. 

Tom. He's a Prof. 



10 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Hicks. A Prof? 

Tom. a teacher; we call him Biddy for short, Cut — ■ 
Cut — Biddicut. \ Enter Biddy — Tom whistles.^ 

Hicks. I might raise the offer. 

Tom. No use — unless I need mone}^ worse than I do 
now. Good-bye; I'm off for the campus. [Exit Tom.] 

Hicks. Walker, that's just the kind of a fellow I want; 
wide-awake, witty, gift of gab; we need brains in the 
Braino business. 

Walker. He seems to have a good deal. 

Hicks. For one of them college boys ! But the ques- 
tion is how to get hold of him. 

Walker. Make him quit. 

Hicks. But he won't quit. 

Walker. Perhaps Biddicut will flunk him. He used 
to flunk a good many in my day. 

Hicks. Perhaps he could be — er — persuaded to flunk 
Horton. 

Walker. I don't know. There's the old fossil over 
there. 

Hicks. That — that crab, Biddicut? 

Walker. Sure. 

Hicks. You know him — ^bring him over. 

Walker. All right. [Goes over to Biddicut at table.'] 
Professor Biddicut [no answer], Professor Biddicut! 

Biddicut. [Jumps.] How ? 

Walker. [Completing the sentence.] Do you do? 
My name is Walker. 

Biddicut. [Hand to ear.] Chalker? 

Walker. No, Walker, [definition] one who walks. 
I'm an old grad — Class of '99. 

Biddicut. Wine, sir, I never drink. 

Walker. [Shouts.] No, no. Class of '99. 

Biddicut. Ah, I remember. Your thesis w^as on " The 
Alleged Proof of Parallelism from the Conservation of 
Energy." 

Walker. I have a friend over here who wishes to meet 
you. 

Biddicut, Wishes to tr^at me ? Yes, yes— ^ 



HICKS AT COLLEGE, \\ 

[Enter Padlet, with payer and pencil to Hicks.~\ 

Padlet. My name is Padlet, of the Daily Shriek. 
What news can you give me? Politics? Potatoes? 
Panics? Pugilism? Prunes? 

Hicks. " Be brainy, eat Braino." 

Padlet. Brain Diseases ? Bakeries ? Business outlook ? 

Hicks. Sir, nothing is happening except Death and 
Taxes. 

Padlet. Taxes? Tariff? 

Hicks. [With threatening gesture.'] Tommyrot. [Exit 
Padlet to Peters, whom he interviews.]- 

Walker. [Coming up with Biddicut.] Mr. Hicks, 
Professor Biddicut. 

Biddicut. How do you do, Mr. Six? 

Hicks. [SJiouts.] Do they call you Biddy for short? 

Biddicut. Why, why — they haven't for long, Mr. Nix. 

Hicks. Thomas Horton is in one of your classes, isn't 
he? 

Biddicut. Who did you say? 

Hicks. [Shouts.] Horton. 

Biddicut. [Perplexed.] A good-looking, plain-spoken 
young man, with rather loud attire ? 

Hicks. That's the man. Will you flunk him out of 
your classes for a consideration? 

Biddicut. I shall pass Jordan, Mr. Snix. 

Hicks. [Disgusted.] Jordan ! Snix ! How he does 
mix names. I want him flunked. Professor. I will pay 
you to do it. [Shouts in Biddicut's ear.] Pay you ! 

Biddicut. I am not susceptible to bribes, Mr. Fix. 

Hicks. [To Walker.] Hear that. I thought they 
didn't pay these professors anything. 

Walker. They don't, that's the trouble; he doesn't 
know what mone}'' is. 

Hicks. I have it — another method. Pll scare him into 
it ; Padlet, come here. 

Padlet. Any news, sir ? [Stands at Hicks's elbow with 
pen and paper in position.] 

Hick. [Talking loudly close to Biddicut's ear.] 
Professor Adam Biddicut, called ^^^ Biddy" for short b^ 



12 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

the students of the Northern University stated to-day that 
he considered wife-beating at times highly commendable. 

BiDDicuT. [In alarm.] What, what? You won't 
print that, will you? 

Hicks. [As before.'] Professor Biddicut, ^' Biddy *' 
for short, it will be remembered, also affirmed that the 
co-eds of the university were sure to make the least success- 
ful wives, and might well merit the chastisement Professor 
Biddicut so warmly recommends. 

Biddicut. No, no, Mr. Sticks — yoii won't let him print 
that, will you ? • 

Hicks. Unless you flunk Horton. 

Biddicut. I'll flunk him, I'll flunk him. If you'll only 
keep that out of the paper. 

Hicks. Ah, Walker, it has worked ! Power of the 
press, instrument of the people, you know. Here, Padlet 
— give me that rot. [He tears paper; exit Padlet.] 
Now I want this flunking done just as I say. 

Biddicut. Just as you say. 

Hicks. Flunk Horton out gradual; give him lessons, 
lessons, lessons. 

Biddicut. Less, less, less. 

Hicks. No; more, more, more. Cover him up with 
work until he will want to leave school anyway. 

Biddicut. Discouraged. 

Hicks. Give him a dozen books to read. 

Biddicut. All right. First, Plato's Dialogues. 

Hicks. Anything like Dolly Dialogues? 

Biddicut. Aristotle. Hobhouse. Whately. Spinoza. 
Descartes. Hume. 

Hicks. And Deuteronomy. 

Biddicut. Kant. 

Hicks. That's the idea ; something he can't do, can't, 
can't, can't, can't. Give him papers to write on any old 
topic. " Politics, potatoes, panics, prunes." 

Biddicut. Ha ! " Reverse Illusions of Orientation,'^ 
" Psychometric study of Psychophysic law." 

Hicks. We didn't have those new-fangled studies in my 
daj. 



mcIiS AT COLLEOE. 13 

BiDDicuT. Kant's theory. ^' This claim on general 
considerations, we have shown to be a usurpation, which 
nothing can legitimatize. It is a significant corroboration 
of this criticism that while the entire system, in its 
organization, constitution, and complexion is determined by 
the opposition and correlation. 

Hicks. For Heaven's sake, don't give it to me ! That's 
the idea, but don't give it to me. Don't, don't ! Give it to 
him, him, — Horton, not me, not me, not me ! [Hick's 
protests violently as Biddicut li^eeps opening his mouth, 
and hacking anmy from the advancing Hicks. Biddy 
hacJcs himself out of the door. Hicks still protesting.] 

Hicks. This is thirsty business. [Flora comes up.] 

Flora. What'll you have? 

Hicks. Whisky and soda for mine. 

Flora. Not here. 

Hicks. Excuse me; two lemonades. [Exit Flora.] 
Walker, Biddy's on my mind. Do you think that he will 
make good? 

Walker. Um — well — another scheme wouldn't be so 
bad. To make assurance doubly sure. 

Hicks. [Springing to feet.] Wife assurance, by cricky ; 
we'll marry him off! [Enter Flora with lemonades; 
Hicks looks at her critically.] Let me see, haven't I seen 
you before? 

Flora. [Snaps.] When I took your order, of course. 
[Exit Flora.] 

Hicks. [Dazed a second, then slaps his knee in 
delight.] By cricky, it'll work. She's the one. 

Walker. Maybe sometime you'll explain your connec- 
tions. " Wife assurance " ; " Flora, the one." 

Hicks. It's great. Did you notice how attentive this 
Horton was to Flora? Did you see how he leaned over 
the counter and talked to her — it looked like something 
serious on his side. 

Walker. He's taken a shine to her, all right. 

Hicks. Why, that girl could do anything. 

Walker. [Interested.] What? You're going to have 
her lead him on — 



14 mCKS AT COLLEGE. 

Hicks. [Leaning forward confidentially.'] Till he 
proposes, see? Then she accepts him — 

Walker. And he'll have to leave college to marry her — 

Hicks. Because he can't afford to now. 

Walker. And so he takes the position. 

Hicks. [Chuckles.'] That's it, my boy. It's always 
well to have two plans, so if one fails you've got him any- 
way. [He whistles to Flora, and Walker goes up to the 
door.] 

Flora. [Coming up.] What is it now? 

Hicks. Miss Flora, how would you like to get a hun- 
dred dollars for encouraging a young man till he proposes 
to you? 

Flora. [Dropping tray.] Wi\ — what ? 

Hicks. Will you make a young man turn down all 
these stuck-up college girls and ask you to marry him ? 

Flora. [C oquettishly .] That depends some on who he 
is. 

Hicks. It's Tom Horton. 

Flora. Oh, him. Well, ain't that a kind of a queer 
bargain ? 

Hicks. You could do it. You've got a good start now. 

Flora. [Aside.] Easy money. And I would like to 
get ahead of those college girls. [Aloud.] Well, I'll do 
it. 

Hicks. Good. I'll give you two weeks. All you have 
to do is to lead him on — you know how — till he puts the 
question. Then you take him up quick. 

Flora. But not too quick. [Enter the girls at door; 
exit Flora.] 

Walker. [Coming down.] So she's going to do it? 
Well, between you two and old Biddy maybe you'll get him. 

Hicks. [Excited.] Get him? Why, I've got him al- 
ready. [They start ioward the door.] By the first of the 
month Tom Horton will be ad manager for Braino I 
[Exit.] 

Girls. [In chorus of surprise and dismay.] Well, did 
you ever? 



BtCKS AT COLLEGE, 15 

pLUi^F. It's Hiram Hicks, the Breakfast Food Million- 
aire. 

Polly. [Breathlessly.'] How perfectly thrilling! 

Fluff. Tom quit college? 

Daisy. Eight in the middle of his senior year? 

Susy. How awfully exciting! 

Fluff. But Mr. Horton is such an adorable dancer. 

Daisy. And manager of the Tennis Club. Why, he 
can't leave college ! 

Polly. Oh, misery ! 

Susy. What a shame ! 

Claire. He's such a help in the Dramatic Club. He's 
divine as a clown ! 

Daisy. The team will miss him like fun. He goes to 
all the rehearsals. He's such a corking good sport. 

Fluff., Why, I wouldn't dream of letting Algy quit 
college. What will June say? 

Daisy. I should say she will ! Why, they are always 
together — she never lets one man hang around all the time 
unless she likes him awfully. 

Polly. June will be all broken up, if he quits now. 
Girls, we mustn't let him stop college now ! 

All. Of course not, but how? 

Polly. Oh, there must be lots of ways. Let me think. 
\^8its at table left, chin in hand.] 

All. Hush, Polly's thinking ! 

Fluff. [Suggestively.] A little jolly — clever jolly 
— might help. Algie says — 

Polly. [Springing up and gesticulates with spoon.] 
I have it. If anything will do it, jollying will — Tom's 
only a man. Behold the Ladies' Benevolent and Pro- 
tective Order of Hero-Worshipers, and Plot-Mashers, 
No. 23, guaranteed to charm, fascinate, captivate, and 
eternally hang on any man closer than a brother — or a 
Breakfast Food. More — 

June. [Entering up center.] Dear, dear, how dra- 
matic ! What's it all about ? [She is surrounded down 
center,'] 



16 BICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Girls. Hello, Juiie — terribly glad to see you — thought 
you were cramjning. 

June. I was cramming — till I suddenly remembered 
an appointment with Tom er — with the dentist. 

Girls. [Laughing.] The dentist! 

Polly. But look here, — June — there's news. 

Girls, [hi chorus.'\ Tom Horton's quit college! 

June. [Startled.] What? Oh, girls — no. 

Fluff. That is, he's going to. 

June. [Witli relief.] Oh. Are you sure? 

Daisy. We heard an old chap say so. It was a cork- 
ing good chance — he's foolish if he don't. Of course I 
liope he won't. 

Fluff. It's Ad Manager, June. 

Claire. For Braino, June. 

Susy. Oh my, yes, the Breakfast Food, you know. 

Daisy. He wants him right away, June. 

June. [Puzzled.] Pol — for goodness sake — explain. 

Polly. That's all, June. Mr. Hicks,* the Breakfast 
Food man, just said in here that within a month Tom 
would be working for him — writing ads ! We girls don't 
agree with Mr. Hicks, that's all. Isn't it exciting? So 
we're going to be so nice to Tom he'll want to stay in col- 
lege — and turn Mr. Hicks down. Don't you see? 

All, Of course — don't j-ou see? 

June. [Laughing.] Oh, perfectly. Well, good luck 
to you ! 

Polly. Nonsense, June, you've got to help. It will 
be gorgeous fun, and you can do more than all the rest — 
you know Tom's crazy about you ! 

June. [Reluctantly.] Well — I'll try. But really I 
shan't be a speck of use. I — I hardly know ]\Ir. Horton. 

Tom. [Rushing in, tvatch in hand.] Hullo, girls, 
seen June? [Coming down front, hreathlessh/.] Oh, 
there you are ! Sorry to be so slow for our engagement, 
but—' 

June. [Emharrassed.] It's of no consequence. I 
hear you're going to leave us. 



HiCKki AT COLLEGE. lY 

GifiLS. [^Interrupting in a chorus.']- Oh, Tom — how 
can you be so mean? 

Tom. [Surprised, scratching his head.'] How in 
thunder did you know ? But it sure looks good — you can 
never tell — I might take it up. [Girls surround Tom 
down center, June and Polly talk aside.] 

Susy. [Offers ca7idy.] Why, what would Northern do 
without you, Tom? 

Claire. [Romantically.] There are some men, Tom, 
whom one parts with only with a wrench. 

Tom. Oh, I'm not so hard to get rid of as that, am I ? 

Fluff. [Puts violets in Tom's coat.] You're so dif- 
ferent from the rest, Tom dear. 

Tom. [Feehly.] Help, Help! 

Susy. Yes, all our class think you're simply grand. 

Tom. [To audience.] Do I look like a little tin god? 

Claire. How true ! And as Bernard Shaw says — 

Tom. [Desperately.] Don't say it. 

Fluff. [Ingenuously.] Why, we wouldn't think of 
telling you all this if it wasn't true, Tom. 

Tom. Oh, this is awful. Somebody rescue me quick. 

Polly. What's the matter, Tom ? Come, girls, v/e 
sim.ply must go. Cheer up, Tom ! Good-bye, June. And 
don't forget your appointment with the dentist. [Exit 
Girls.] 

Tom. [^Vith a worried air.] I say, what's the matter 
with them, anyhow? 

June. [Aside.] Now, it's my turn to help. [To 
Tom.] Nothing, Tom, why? 

Tom. Don't look up at me like that — you make me 
nervous ! What makes them so fondly admiring all of a 
sudden ? I never noticed it before ? 

June. They hate to see you leave college, Tom ; [look- 
ing doivn] I hate to — too. 

Tom. [Delighted.] Honest? [aside] Jove, she never 
said that much before. 

June. [Demurely.] Of course, I can get Mr. Wilson 
to call for me after Glee Club. 

Tom. That shrimp ! 



18 HICKS AT COLLEGIA. 

June. And Ned Murphy will do all my problems in 
math — 

Tom. Murphy's a mucker. 

June. [Looking up.] But I would so much rather 
have you, Tom. Must you stop school? 

Tom. I told the old man I wouldn't take his offer; but 
on thinking it over, I guess I ought to. 

June. Oh, Tom ! 

Tom. You see, June — I'm deucedly hard up. I need 
the money. 

June. But you sell so many ads and things — 

Tom. I'm in debt — I can't raise enough that way to 
pay up. 

June. I'm so sorry. 

Tom. That helps some. 

June. But please don't decide right away. 

Tom. It's got to be pretty quick. 

June. Wait a few days — don't decide until after the 
game Saturday. Promise? 

Tom. Sure, I promise — anything you say, June. 

June. Thank you, Tom. You're a dear. [Shahe 
hands.] 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

Scene — The campus of Northern University. 
Time — Morriing, the day of the game. 

[Biddy discovered at rise loolcing into wings.'] 
Biddy. Here comes our good-looking, plain-spoken 

young man with the rather loud attire — Jordan. [Enter 

Jordan gaily.] 

Jordan. Fine morning, Herr Professor. [Talces off 

his hat magnificently.] I've done all that work you gave 

me. 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 19 

Biddy. How's that? Work? I'll give you more. 
Here are some books for you to read. You were woefully 
behind in your studies and must catch up. 

Jordan. Oh — h. 

Biddy. ^Giving hook to Jordan as named.] " Plato's 
Dialogues," " Aristotle," " Hobhouse," " Whately," " Spi- 
noza," " Descartes," " Hume," '' Kant." 

Jordan. What do you think I am? A circulating 
library? [Turns on his heel to illustrate the idea.] 

Biddy. Here I have nrepared a few papers for you to 
write : " Psychometric Study of Psychophysic Law," and 
" Reverse Illusions of Orientation," and Kant's theory — 
" This claim on general considerations we have shown to 
be a usurpation which nothing can legitimatize. It is — " 

Jordan. Don't, don't; I'm in training. 

Biddy. No, I don't believe that it's raining. '' A sig- 
nificant corroboration " — 

Jordan. Say, the Doc. wouldn't stand for it. 

Biddy. " Of this criticism " — 

Jordan. No ; I'm giving up cigarettes, and pie, and — 
the game's to-night. 

Biddy. " That while the entire system " — 

Jordan. [Shouting.] Let me give you a couple of 
comps. [In getting the ticlcets, drops most of the Ijoohs.] 
Here. You will go? 

Biddy. I shall take the matter under advisement. 
[Exit.] [Enter Tom. Jordan sitting mournfully on 
the hooks.] 

Tom. Hello, Fritz, whose funeral ? 

Jordan. My own. 

Tom. Here's to the memory of Picklefritz Jordan. If 
he'd lived a bit longer he could have got more done. 
What was the ailment, friend ? 

Jordan. Over-work and a complication of lessons. 

Tom. Biddy the undertaker? 

Jordan. Yes, Biddy. 

Tom. You should have taken better care of yourself; 
taken bigger doses of study; got your papers in on time; 
skipped fewer classes 



20 • UICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Jordan. This from you ! 

Tom. Yes, me. Biddicut hasn't been making any 
funeral out of me, has he? 

Jordan. No — you are still at large — and I suppose 
preparing to yell for old Northern to-night. 

Tom. Sure, got a comp for me ? 

Jordan. Sure. [Gives him one] I judge you are 
not in opulent circumstances? 

Tom. No, I'm in debt to the ears. 

Jordan. [Looking up.] That is very much in debt. 

Tom. And I'm head over ears in love. 

Jordan. That must be the very ecstasy of love. 

Tom. And love, nowadays, costs money. 

Jordan. [Seriously.] Tom, you need that two hun- 
dTcd you lent me. 

Tom. You ought to go into the mind-reading business. 
I could use it. 

Jordan. I'll give it to you this noon. 

Tom. Thanks, old man, I was strapped ; absolutely 
strapped. Couldn't have gotten along much longer with- 
out asking for it. [Carelessly.] Came mighty near accept- 
ing that business offer the other day. 

Jordan. Don't you think of it. You can have the 
money this noon just as well as not. [^siV^e] That will 
leave me exactly $5.04. 

Tom. All right, old man. A lot depends on your play- 
ing to-night. You are the one and only indispensable of 
the team. Chuck these books and take a nap. [Exit 
Tom.] 

Jordan. [TaJces out watch.] Nap, nothing; time's 
worth money. Mine ought to be worth about $7.50 for a 
few days. [Enter Brtggs.] 

Brtggs. I'm gratified to see you among your books, 
Mr. Jordan. 

Jordan. [Hastily.] Not at all ; not at all. 

Brtggs. The sage truly says: '^Knowledge is power; 
wisdom is bliss ; the pen " — 

Jordan. Oh, shut up. 

Briggs. Fie, sir, fie. The sage says — 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 21 

Jordan. Could you lend me a little money, Briggs? 

Briggs. [Reaching into his pocket.] " The sordid 
lucre," says the sage — 

Jordan. How much have you? 

Briggs. Four dollars. [He holds the money in his 
hands.] 

Jordan. Give it to me. [He takes it from the re- 
luctant Briggs, who star-ts 7*uefully away; then turns 
hack.] 

Briggs. I don't believe I can lend that to you after 
all. I must pay my board to-morrow. 

Jordan. [Coming to center.] Change boarding 
places. 

Briggs. Fie, sir, fie. The sage says — 

Jordan. Something about a fool and his money, 
doesn't he ? Cheer up, Briggs. Here are a couple of comps 
to the basket-ball game to-night. Take your best girl and 
have a good time. 

Briggs. Are you sanguine about the outcome, Mr. 
Jordan ? 

Jordan. In the language of the sage, we'll beat them 
hollow. 

Briggs. There is many a slip 'twixt the cup and the 

lip. 

Jordan. Did the sage say that? 

Briggs. No, I think not. That is, I don't know. I'll 
go immediately and look it up. [Exit. Jordan sits on 
bench. Enter Hicks, both arms full of packages of break- 
fast food.] 

Hicks. Hello, my boy, you look blue. 

Jordan. I am blue. If I was only a shark — 

Hicks. [Depositing the boxes in neat pile by bench 
right.] What's a shark? One of them things that swal- 
lowed Jonah ? 

Jordan. No. One of them things that swallows books. 

Hicks. [Offering Jordan Braino.] " Be brainy, try 
Braino." 

Jordan. No, thanks; I'm in training and the doctor 



22 HICKS AT' COLLEGE. 

strictly forbids brains, — I mean Braino. Besides, I'm in 
debt. 

Hicks. In debt? Does college cost money? 

Jordan. Yes, it does. And I owe my room-mate, 
Tom Horton, $200.00. 

Hicks. [^Sur prised. ~\ Tom Horton? 

Jordan. The same; if he doesn't get the money, he'll 
have to go to work. 

Hicks. Go to work? That would suit me fine. 

Jordan. I can raise enough to pay him, but that's all. 
It leaves me broke. 

Hicks. Young man, take my advice, don't pay him. 

Jordan. Why? Will you help me out? 

Hicks. Maybe — 

Jordan. Will you lend me two hundred? 

Hicks. No, I won't do it in just that way. Northern 
University plays a game of basket-ball with W^ishagain to- 
night ? 

Jordan. Yes, I'm forward on the team. 

Hicks. The chances are that Northern will win? 

Jordan. Sure, we'll win. 

Hicks. I will bet you. two hundred that you won't win. 

Jordan. Golly, what a cinch ! But — if I lose, I'll 
have to leave college ; and Tom will have to leave college. 

Hicks. Yes, that's the point: Tom will have to leave 
college. But we're both taking chances. The odds are 
yours. You can play the game for all it's worth. If I win, 
wliy, I'm winning bigger stakes than I'm betting. 

Jordan. You won't lend it to me ? 

Hicks. No. [Jordan turns his hack on Hicks and 
they stand silent for a moment. Then he foxes the 
Braino man.~\ 

Jordan. I'll take you. [They shake hands. Jordan 
starts off, turns irresolute, goes on again and then mahes 
a quick exit.'] 

\Enter Flora, reading note and giggling.] 

Hicks. Good-morning, Miss Flora, how's the w^orld 
treating you to-day? 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 23 

Flora. All right. Look at what I just got from Mr. 
Horton. [They read together.^ 

" Who's the trimmest and neatest, 
The daintiest, sweetest. 
Of all the fine girls, begorra; 
The sauciest, prettiest. 
Brightest, wittiest — 
Boys, who could it be but Flora ? " 
Hicks. You're getting along great. Does he write 
you many like that ? 

Flora. Yes, he's always making up poems and saying 
them. 

Hicks. Well, I'm not worrying any about your getting 
him. 

Flora. Yes, I guess we're getting along all right, but 
he hasn't exactly proposed yet. But these college boys is 
easy worked. \Hums to herself.'] 
" Sauciest, prettiest. 
Brightest and wittiest — " 
Hicks. It's all true, all right. I was pretty good to 
Horton, wasn't I, to pick you out for him ? [Enter Tom.] 
Tom. Hello, here's our friend Braino and my pretty 
waitress. Let's see [taking out watch], half an hour be- 
fore June gets out of class. May as well have some fun. 
[He whistles to catch Flora's attention.] Good-morning, 
Flora. Get my note? 

Hicks. Now go it, Flora ; me for the bench. [Hicks 
sits on the far side of the bench.] 

Flora. Uh-huh. Say, you're the biggest jollier I ever 
saw. 

Tom. [Air'ihj.] Wi^j, I meant every word of it. 
Flora. [Bemurehj.] If I thought you meant it, I'd 
have been awfully pleased. 

Hicks. [On the far side of the tench.] If he had the 
heart of a snipe he'd asked her long before this. 

Flora. But I know you college boys ; none of you for 
me. [Putting up her hand in protest.] 

Tom. [TaJces hand.] Look at that hand, Flora. 
That's no hand for a waitress. 



24 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Hicks. [Delighted, edging around to front.] That 
sounds like business. 

Tom. You're made for better things. You should — 

Hicks. Here's where he does it. 

Tom. Be a manicure artist, or a glove fitter. 

Hicks. [Disgusted.] Hang him ! 

Flora. [Plaintively.] I might as well go away; no 
one would miss me from the Pal. 

Tom. Why, Flora, the Pal would be a dreary waste 
without you. The ice cream would have no more taste 
than Braino. 

Hicks. What, what ! 

Tom. Honestl}^ if you should leave the Pal — 

Hicks. It's coming ! 

Tom. The Pal would lose half its trade. 

Hicks. Hang it, he's too cold. [Flora and Tom 
gaze siveethj at each other.] 

Hicks. [Seeing them.] Hang it, he's too affection- 
ate ! Ahem ! Miss Flora, it's time we were going. 
[Hicks and Flora go up stage.] 

[Enter Daisy, Fluff, Claire and Susy.] 

Daisy. Gee, girls, here's Tom. Get busy! [They 
surround Tom.] 

Fluff. It's good to get a chance to talk to you, Tom. 

Claire. Y^ou're so popular now-a-days. 

Susy. Y^es ; as Miss Polly says — " Hero worsliip — " 

Fluff. Aren't you ashamed to put the otlier men in 
the shade? 

Claire. You quite liold the center of the stage. 

Tom. [In mocJc distress.] Daisy, help me out of this. 

Daisy. [Crossly.] Out of what? [Enter Professor 
Smiley at haclc.] 

Tom. Y^ou aren't in the sugar-honey mood, for sure; 
what's the matter? 

Daisy. You make me sick, tliat's straight. 

Susy. [To Fluff.] She'd be such a nice girl if she 
only had more tact. 

Daisy. You're pretty poor to quit now. Aw, Tom, 
what do you want to do it for? 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 25 

Smiley. Well, well, what's this I hear about your leav- 
ing, Horton? Don't do it, my boy. 

Tom. I don't know, Professor; you see, — I'm hard up 
as the deuce. 

Smiley. Nonsense. What will your rooter brigade 
do? 

Girls. Go to smash, Tom ! 

Smiley. We can't spare any of our men. 

FlufK Few enough of them now ! 

Smiley. Think it over, Horton. Come in and talk to 
me about it to-morrow. 

Daisy. [Shaking Smiley's hand.] 'Scuse me, Pro- 
fessor, but you're a brick! 

[Exit Smiley. Girls and Tom wallc over left.'] 

Hicks. [To Flora.] Now, now, — you just wait your 
time, you're prettier than any of them. 

Flora. [Pettishly.] You think so. 

Hicks. I didn't say I thought so, did I? 

Flora. Oh, didn't you? 

Hicks. [Shortly.] Certainly not. [Exit Flora.] 

[Enter Boys in zig-zag, and Padlet comes in rear.] 

Boys. Hello, girls, hello, Thomas ! 

Josh. Say, Tom, let's have the yell again; too quiet 
round these parts. 

Hicks. Let me in on it. Teach me the yell, Horton. 

Tom. All right. [Men draw together.] 

Polly. It's that horrid Braino man ! Let's go, girls. 
[Exit Girls together.] 

Tom. [To Hicks.] You say " Eah " nine times and 
then shout Northern. 

Hicks. [Shouting.] Pah nine times, Northern! 

Tom. No, no ! Show him how it's done, fellows. 
[Boys give yell.] 

Tom. Now, Hicks ; one, two, three. 

Hicks. Eah, rah, rah, rah. [Confused] — Braino! 
[Boys laugh.] 

Hicks. [Wiping hroiv.] Guess I'm some mixed; but 
business is business. That reminds me; I've got some- 
thing for you boys. [Goes over to bench.] 



26 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Adolph. [^Pushing forward.'] Something to eat? 

Josh. The old boy is getting generous, isn't he? 

Hicks. [^Passing 'packages of Braino.] Braino, the 
triumph of the age. Pre-cooked, pre-sterilized, pre- 
digested. A spoon in every package. 

Tom. Look out, fellows; had your lives insured? 

Josh. \Slial'ing Braino out of the hox.~\ Shavings! 
The kind that father used to make ! 

Percy. Flat as a pancake, bah Jove. 

Tom. [With mock pensiveness.l This takes me back 
to childhood's happy hours. We had a goat once that used 
to eat shavings. 

Percy. [To Adolph.] Your manner of eating, 
Adolph, is not exactly — er — birdlike. 

Adolph. [To Josh.] What does he think I am? A 
jay, or a spring chicken, or a cuckoo? [Gives cuckoo 
call.] 

Padlet. [Coming down right.] Aha, some news ! 
[Writing.] "Back to nature. Students of Northern 
University dine in open air." [Tom throws empty box at 
him; he retires to rear. Enter Briggs.] 

Briggs. Mr. Jordan, Mr. Jordan ; the sage did say that ! 

Tom, [Pushing Braino down his throat.] Try this 
brand of sage. 

Hicks. [Angrily.] Can't you say something good 
about it, man? 

Tom. I can try: 

^' Some simple people in a rage, 
Forget the adage of the sage. 
Be brainy, and eat Braino." 

Hicks. Good, good ! Boys, I've an announcement to 
make to you. 

Boys. Hoorah ! 

Hicks. Braino is the finest Breakfast Food on earth ! 

Tom. Don't mention it. 

Hicks. But people have got to be told so. 

Boys. You bet. 

Hicks. So I'm hiring one of your brainy fellow stud- 
ents as ad manager for Braino. 



HICKS AT COLLEGE, 21 

Boys. Hooray ! 

Tom. [Asu/c] An unexpected honor, I'm sure! 

Hicks. Suppose we have a feed at the Pal, to cele- 
brate ? 

Boys. All right. [^Exit Boys yelling, " Whafs the 
matter with Braino," etc.] 

Padlet. [Detaining Hicks.] What's the young man's 
name, Mr. Hicks? 

Hicks. [Whispers.'] Sh! His name — is Tom Hor- 
ton. [Exit Hicks. Padlet whistles and rushes out left. 
Tom dow7i center, lights cigarette with self-satisfied air.] 

Tom. Guess yours truly's not so bad after all. Sensi- 
ble girls, those. That's one good thing about co-eds : they 
see a chap's good points and don't mind telling him so. 
[Enter Jordan.] 

Jordan. Hello, old man. Wliere's the Harem ? 

Tom. Aw, cut it, Fritz ! You know there's only one 
queen for mine — and what's more, I'm going to tell her so 
to-day. I feel fit as a fiddle — all kinds of confidence. 

Jordan. [Drily.] Yes, but it isn't a confidence game. 
How do you stand with her? 

Tom. That's what I want to know. What do you 
think? 

Jordan. [Sadly.] Well, I don't know. You never 
can tell about these women. You think your ticket reads 
*^ Peaches and Cream," and then they hand you a lemon. 

Tom. Well, I'm going to try anyhow. But what will 
I say? How's this — I made it up last night. 

Jordan. [Perching on bulletin hoard.] Spit it out, 
old man, if it hurts you. 

Tom. [Oratoricalhj.] " June, I'm going away, and 
I've something to say to you before I go — " I may quit 
college, you know, so that goes all right — anyhow it sounds 
well. 

Jordan. Yes, that'll do — for a starter. 

Tom. [Continues.] "For years — "months, I mean, 
• — " For months, but one thought has haunted me in my 
dreams, has danced before me in my waking hours; my 



28 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

heart beats quicker with it. My — " Jove, it sounds like 
a catalogue of jag symptoms. 

Jordan. [\Vith a grin.'] Never mind; women like 
that sort of thing, and maybe she doesn't know the 
symptoms. 

Tom. Let's see — " and what is it that is always before 
me in the watches of the night ? " 

Jordan. [SepulcJiralhj.] Dream of a Earebit Fiend ! 

Tom. Shut up. I'm going to do this right — " Your 
face ! " 

Jordan. That's all right — but you ought to work up 
some motions. Try a few; they will give you aplomb — 
self-possession. [Airily.] Savoir-faire. 

Tom. [Seriously.] Sure enough. [He goes through 
elaborate motions, saying speech to himself.] 

[Jordan reels from perch, out right, humping into 
June, entering.] 

June. [Dismayed.] Why, Tom Horton, whatever is 
the matter with you ? 

Tom. [Stopping short, embarrassed.] Me? "Wliy — 
nothing, just a few exercises for my muscles — I read 'em 
in The Ladies' Home Journal '^ beauty talks," you know. 
But, I say, you're the very person I wanted to see. 

June. Am I, really ? How nice. Did you have some- 
thing to say to me? 

Tom. Yes. That is — no, not at all. 

June. [Sitting on tench, right.] Then why did you 
want to see me? 

Tom. Y"ou see — the fact is, there was something I 
wanted to tell you. It has sort of 'scaped my mind just 
now. [/IsiJe.] How did it begin? 

June. Perhaps it was about the game. Have you 
seen their team ? 

Tom. No, — that is, yes. But, I say, June — it's this 
way — I've tried to tell you — [Enter Claire, right, tvith 
hook, reciting.] 

Claire. " Silence, villain. She knows all. [Tom 
and June startled.] Perfidious caitiff, a curse shall be 
upon thee this day if thou sayest one word niore.'^ 



HICKS AT COLLEGIA. ^0 

June. [Relieved.'] It's only Claire rehearsing! 

Claire. Now, June, you've made me forget my lines. 
[Looks ill hool-.] This is the grandest play! What's the 
next line? 

Tom. [^Melodramatically.'] The next line is, " Be- 
gone, thou foolish female; 'ods-blood, thou beest likest to 
be chasest if thou goest not quickly." 

Claire. No, that's in the third act. Here it is — 
" Avaunt, caitiff — [Tom dodges at her gesture.] I go and 
may I never cross thy path again." [Exit Claire left.] 

Tom. Amen to that. Not to-day, at least. [Aside.] 
What luck. Now I'll have to start all over again. How 
did I begin? 

June. [ylst^Ze.] I wonder what he's going to ask me ? 
Shall I say "yes" or "no"? 

Tom. [Coraing over to her.] You see, June, as I was 
saying— 

June. [Encouragingly.] Yes? You were saying — 

Tom. It's rather a long story and hard to tell — 

[Enter Briggs, right, shouting in ear of Biddicut, 
with whom he walks.] 

Briggs. Of course. Professor, everyone agrees that the 
species Ehamphorincus phyllurus is a distinct one, the 
pterodoctylia being less variable — 

. [Tom leans limply against a tree, and June smothers 
her laughter in her handkerchief, as Briggs and Biddicut 
stop, center.] 

Biddicut. You are mistaken, Mr. Briggs, it was Doc- 
tor Longtalk, in his celebrated essay on the Octogenic and 
Philogenic variability of the Amphoristocrinus multo- 
brachiatus. 

Briggs. [Shouting as before.] Pardon me, Professor, 
I have it on the authority of Doctor Bighead, that the 
Crossopterygians are the most ancient teleostomes. 

Biddicut. My dear sir, the alar appendages of the chi- 
maerjaloid can be made no st-andard of comparison. 

Briggs. The diphycereal tail of the ampharincus — 

Biddicut. The exoskeleton of the Polypterus — [Exit 
left, still talking.] 



30 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Tom. [^Crossly.'] I've always been so interested in tlie 
exoskeleton of the poljpterus multi-brachiatus. Excuse 
me while I get some of this language out of my system. 
[Goes over to left, hands clinched.] 

June. [Asi^^^'.] It must be 'most noon — I wish he'd 
hurry. Guess I'll say *^ No " this time. 

Tom. [Desperately, coming over.'] June, you know 
what I want to say. 

June. Why, Tom, I've no idea. 

Tom. It's been plain enough to everybody else. 
[Enter Josh and Daisy; they cross slowly from right to 
left.] 

Daisy. Oh, Tom's crazy about her, all right, and I 
guess she thinks he's 0. K. 

[Tom subsides limply on bench.] 

Josh. But she's got such a bunch of fellows on the 
string. 

Daisy. Best fellows in college, too ! 

Josh. Well, Tom's a jolly good fellow. 

Daisy. But that kind generally make jolly poor hus- 
bands, they say. [Exeunt left.] 

Tom It's no use; I'm found out. [Faintly aside.] 

June. [From the other side of the tree.] Tom? 

Tom. What? 

June. Hadn't you better hurry? 

Tom. [Comes round to front of tree.] There's too 
much business round these parts. I — [Enter bill-poster 
and leisurely proceeds to post large sign, " Be Brainy, 
Eat Braino," on tree between them.] 

June. [Making conversation after pause.] Isn't it a 
beautiful day? 

Tom. [Pacing savagely up and down.] Too much 
weather out to suit me. 

June. [After another pause.] This is such a beauti- 
ful spot ! 

Tom. [Snorting .] Yes, so quiet, so retired, so — 

June. [Hastily.] Such a beautiful autumn. Aren't 
you fond of it? 



mOKS AT COLLEGK j^i 

Tom. [Ahsently, still pacing.] Oh, very. I prefer 
mine fried or broiled ! 

[Exit bill-poster, still whistling.'] 

Tom. [Watches him off, then rushes over to June.] 
June, I'm crazy about you — have been ever since I've known 
you — I can't get along without you — will you marry me? 

June. What a horrid way to ask me ! Of course I 
won't. 

Tom. [Quite limp.] Wh-what ? • Don't you like me ? 

June. [Slowly.] Yes. 

Tom. [Seizing her hand.] Well then — won't you? 

June. Oh, Tom, well — if we win the game — I will ! 
[Tom seizes both hands as Flora enters right, Jordan and 
Polly left; June flies to Polly and exeunt with Jordan. 
Flora sees him and comes down center.] 

Flora. [Center, screams.] My land, how you startled 
me ! 

Tom. [Rousing.] ■ Oh, hello. Flora. 

Flora. [Coyly.] A penny for your thoughts, Tom. 

Tom. [Absently.] Dreaming about the very best lit- 
tle girl in the world — the sweetest, the prettiest, the — 

Flora. [Another delighted scream.] How lovely! 
Come and tell me all about it. 

[Goes to bench right.] 

Tom. [Coming over.] Jove ! It's a long story — 

Flora. [Moving close to him.] But I'd love to have 
you tell it to me. It's so cosy to sit here alone and talk. 
Don't you think so? 

Tom. [Dubiously, moving away.] Yes — very cosy ! 

Flora. Now tell me all about her. Is she a real swell 
looker ? 

Tom. [Enthusiastically.] Swell's no name for it. 
She's the neatest little figure [Flora adjusts her belt], 
the daintiest hands and feet [Flora removes gloves and 
looks at shoe tips], the prettiest smile and the jolliest little 
ways [Flora moves closer.] 

Flora. And are you very, very fond of her? 

Tom. [Moving away, seriously.] Yes, I'm sure I am. 



32 HiCKS AT COLLEGE. 

[WalTcs center. '\ \^liy, if I could make her care for ni6 as 

1 do for her — 

Flora. [Throws herself in his arms.] She does, Tom, 
she does. Your Flossy is yours forever ! 

Tom. [His arms rigidly extended.] Holy cats ! 
[Enter Padlet.] 

Padlet. Ah, a scoop! [TFn7es.] " Romantic episode 
on campus. Collegian passionately embraces fair 
stranger." [Exit writing, right.] 

Flora. [Still clinging.] To think I thought you were 
only flirting all the while! 

Tom. What in the name of — 

Flora. [DictatoriaUy.] Now you'll stop school — 
you'll get a job — and settle down. 

Tom. [Dismally.] Settle down. [Enter June and 
Polly, left. June screams. Tom is petrified with hor- 
ror.] 

Flora. [Disengaging herself and arranging her hat, 
etc.] Well, that's done! Good-bye, lovey, see yow. later! 
[Exit right.] 

Polly. [Coming down.] Tom Horton, aren't you 
ashamed of yourself? [Tom miserably silent.] Tom 
Horton, you ought to be so ashamed you couldn't look a 
living, breathing mortal in the face ! 

Tom. But— 

Polly. I think you're the deceitfullest, horridest, igno- 
blest, awfullest, double-dealingest, untruthfullest person I 
ever saw in all my life! 

[June drags Polly out right.] 

Fritz. [Outside.] Where's Tom? Seen Tom? 
[Enter Fritz, excited, waving paper.] Oh, here you are; 
just in time to save me from a purple fit ! Look at that — 
look what Biddy has handed me. 

Tom. [Gloomily.] Don't talk to me about troubles; 
I've orot the whole 57 varieties. 

Fritz. But read it, man ; read it ! 

Tom. [Tal-es paper.] What's it about? 

Fritz. Biddy has barred me out of the game to-night. 

Tom. AAliat? 



mClCS AT COLLEGE. 23 

Fritz. Says I'm below grade — can't play to-night. 

Tom. [BriglLtening.] Then we won't win the game — 
and I won't have to move to Utah. 

Fritz. Don't you realize that we've no sub to take my 
place ? 

Tom. Yes, Utah! Don't you realize that if we win 
I'll be engaged to two girls [Sits on bench, right.} 

Fritz. What? And one of them's June? 

Tom. [Groans.] And the other one's Flora! 

Fritz. Well, you are a chump ! 

Tom. [Gloomily.] Don't mention it. 

Fritz. Just the same, old man, you've got to do it. 

Tom. Do what ? 

Fritz. Take my place on the team — 

Tom. Not on your life. 

Fritz. And play the game of your life — 

Tom. [Stuhhornhj.] I can't do it. 

Jordan. Now look here, Tom, I've put up $200 of 
your money, what I was going to pay you this noon, on 
the game. Hicks took the bet. If I lose the money we 
both have to leave college. 

Tom. I don't care a hang whether I leave college or 
not. 

JoRDAX. You care a hang for the college, don't you? 

Tom. Yes. 

Jordan. Well then? 

Tom. But think, m,an, if I play and we win, I'm en- 
gaged to two girls. 

Jordan. You must play. 

Tom. I can't. 

Fritz. And win that game. 

Tom. Think of the girls ! 

Fritz. Think of the game. 

Tom. If we win it, June rewards me by marrying me. 

Fritz. Good. 

Tom. And Flora's bound to do it anyway. What a 
situation ! 

Fritz. Sorry, old fellow — but think of the score, the 
championship, the college, can't you hear duty's call? 



34: BICKS AT COLLEGE. 

[Automobile horn heard out right.] Here comes the team 
now, going to last practice. [Enter automobile with 
team. Men and Girls following and cheering.'] 

Fritz [To Men.] I'm barred, fellows. Horton takes 
my place. [He drags Tom toward car.] 

Tom. Let go, you chump ! I won't go, I say — I can't. 
[Horton is hoisted head first into the car and the machine 
goes off left, crowd cheering.] 

curtain. 



ACT III. 

Scene — '' The Quarters/' home of the six hoys. 
Time — Evening, the jubilee after the game. 

[Mrs. Cobb and Lily discovered at rise. Mrs. Cobb 
holding chafing dish and bag of fruit, etc., waiting im- 
patiently for Lily to sweep things off table.] 

Mrs. Cobb. Hurry, Lily, I want to ask Central about 
the game. 

Lily. Oh, I'll call up, ma'am. [Strolls leisurely to- 
ward phone. Mrs. Cobb drops things and gets there first.'] 

Mrs. Cobb. No, no; I will. Hello, hello. Central! 
How's the game going? What's that? A tie? Lily, did 
you hear that? Five to five and two minutes more to 
play! Oh — [Hand on heart.] how can I bear it? 

Lily. I hope Mr. Tom will play like he used to last 
year. 

Mrs. Cobb. I can just see him soaring through the air 
like— 

Lily. Like a flying-fish. 

Mrs. Cobb. And throwing the ball with a kind of a 
twist — 

Lily. So it would drop right into the basket, ma'am ! 

Mrs. Cobb. Oh, it was lovely. It must be two min- 
utes now. I'll call up again. 



niCKS AT COLLEGE. 35 

Lily. Not more than a minute yet, I should think. 

Mrs. Cobb. \^At phone.] Hello, hello, central! — cen- 
tral? Is this central? No, I'm not central. [Asi(i<3.] 
About five hundred people are asking the same thing. 
What? What did you say? Game's over? Yes, but who 
won? Hello; no number, I want to know how the game 
came out. How — [Racket and college yells outside. 
Enter Daisy, Fluff, Susy, Claire, Briggs, Josh, Percy, 
Adolph, Walker, Professor Smiley.] 

Josh. [Throwing hat in air.] Hi ! We licked 'em, 
Mrs. Cobb ; we licked 'em ! 

Daisy. You bet we did — seven to five ! 

Josh. Hooray for Northern ! [Josh and Daisy 
right start yell, all join in; then all join hands in circle 
and dance round singing song, Professor Smiley in 
center heating time.] 

Daisy. Oh, it was great! 

Mrs. Cobb. [Hand on heart.] My poor heart will 
burst with joy ! 

Adolph. But the basket that won the game ! 

Claire. Just at the last — 

Daisy. Only one minute more of play! 

Smiley. He threw it — 

Walker. Tossed it — 

Fluff. Square into the basket! 

Mrs. Cobb. [With hreathless interest.] Who made 
it? 

Chorus. Tom ! 

Susy. Oh, I was so scared ! 

Claire. It was thoroughly dramatic ! 

Percy. [Politely.] Eah, rah, rah! [Boys mimic 
him and wave handkerchiefs.] 

Susy. Mr. Horton is a real hero, isn't he? 

Briggs. It reminded me very much of the battle of 
Marston Moor. 

[Enter June, Polly and Jordan.] 

Jordan. [At door, throwing hat in air.] Wlioop ! did 
we beat 'em ? 

Chorus. You know it! 



36 HlCKS AT COLLEGE. 

Percy. I say, come in, old man — I feel a deuced 
draught! [They come down center.'] 

Josh. Where's Tom ? 

Jordan. With the fellows — where I'd be if I didn't 
have to bring the girls over ! Women are such a bother. 

June. [To Percy, as she takes off her ivraps.] No — 
I don't feel very gay. I — I have a headache. 

Percy. [Taking coat.] I sa}^, that's too bad ! Feels 
sort of buzzy, does it? I'll get you some Bromo. 

June. Thank you, Percy — don't bother. 

Josh. Wasn't it a great game, June? 

June. [Giving gloves to Josh.] Don't speak of it; 
it was dismal — I mean glorious. 

Percy. And aren't you proud of Tom ? 

June. [Aside.] This is too much! [To Percy.] 
Really, I'm too tired to talk. Do fuss some one else, 
there's a dear. Polly ! [Exit Men and Girls, except 
June, Polly and Jordan left.] 

Polly. [Comes over.] For goodness sake, June, don't 
look so dismal — everybodv'll notice ! 

June. I can't help it, Polly! ^AHiat shall I do? I 
was going to — to say " yes " to Tom, if we won the game ; 
and now — it's all over. 

Polly. I know it's hard luck ! That waitress girl 
ought to be — be — 

June. I hate her ! But Fritz says he says she says — 
they are engaged ! 

Polly. Well, I wouldn't speak to him to-night, so 
there! Come on over and pound something lively out of 
the piano. [They go over to the piano.] 

June. [Sits at piano.] What shall I play? 

PoLtY. Something real lively — rag time, two steps — 
anything ; so people won't notice how you feel. [June 
plays soft dreary music; Polly shakes head and turiis 
away.] 

Susy. Oh, Miss Polly, you look so sweet to-night! 
won't you give me one of your flowers to put in my 
memory book? 

Polly. Ten thousand furies ! I told you when I gave 



HICKS AT COLLEGE, 37 

you my shoe laces you couldn't have another thing of mine 
for that memory book. 

Susy. [^Beginning to cry.'] You — you don't love me, 
I know ! 

Polly. \^Aside, pats Susy's head.] These crushes are 
awful ! [To Susy.] There, there — don't cry. See here 
— you can write my paleontology paper if you'll be good. 
[Susy brightens.] " The Octogenic versus the Philogenic 
history of the Pthecanthropus Erectus ! " Have it in by 
Monday! [Exit Susy heaming. To Fritz.] Say, Fritz, 
isn't it most time for him to come over? 

Jordan. [Palls blue ticket from pocket.] Let's see ! 
About $7.35 by my ticket. 

Polly. Fritz Jordan, have you gone and pawned your 
watch again? How many times have I told you — 

Jordan [Plaintively.] You wouldn't see me starve, 
would you? 

Polly. Starve? You starve? You poor, poor boy — ^ 
why didn't you tell me? Come right out and get some- 
thing to eat. 

Jordan. [Aside.] This is too easy! [To Polly.] 
What you got to eat? 

PoLLY^ Well, I don't know. But I'm going to start 
the rarebit right away, and — 

Jordan. [Hastily.] No thanks — no. I'd better stay 
here ! [Enter Hicks and Flora.] Hello — here's our 
friend Hicks and the fairy from the " Pal." Come on and 
be hostess. 

Polly. Ugh — horrid things — I wish they'd stayed 
away. [Goes up to Flora.] Oh, how do you do? So 
glad you could come ! I was so afraid you'd be too tired 
after working all day ! What a lovely gown ! Has there 
been a sale? [They come down center.] 

Flora. No, there hasn't ! And I'm not tired a mite. 
My, but you look dragged out, though ! College does seem 
to age a girl so. 

Polly. [Aside.] Hateful cat! 

Flora. [Aside.] I'll get even with her, stuck up 
thing! [Hicks and Jordan come up.] 



38 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Hicks. On the square, that was a great game ! And 
the boys rooted to heat the cars! Tom Horton^s a winner, 
for fair! [Polly and Jordan speechless.'] 

Flora. [Laughing.] You're learning the college lingo 
fast, Hiram. 

Hicks. You know it; it's a corking good lingo. 

Polly. College is a pretty fine place^, isn't it? 

Hicks. [Patronizing.] Oh, yes ! Nice, place for 
boys and girls, who aren't fit to go into business ! 

Polly. Why, Mr. Hicks, how can you say such a 
thing ? 

Hicks. There, there, young lady, don't get excited. 
Business is business, and college is society ! [Polly turns 
to Jordan and June who comes up.] Pretty good fun, 
just the same. [To Flora.] I might be sorry for Horton 
leaving it if he wasn't going to get tied up to the finest 
lady on earth ! 

Flora. [Coyly.] Aw, go on, Hiram. Do you think 
so? 

Hicks. Fve thought so all along. 

June. [Coming over to Flora.] Good evening, Flora. 
I am awfully glad you could come. 

Flora. [Talcen ahacl-.] Oh, are you? I thought you 
wouldn't — thanks awfully ! [Aside.] Say, she's a real 
lady! 

June. Let me introduce you to some of these people — 
Professor Smiley, Miss DelaMartyr, Mr. Hicks — 

Flora. [Giggles.] The Braino man and the Man of 
Brains. 

Hicks. [To Jordan. Before I get into the social 
whirl, Jordan, I want to make the little settlement of our 
bet on the game. 

Polly. Sort of social settlement, isn't it? 

Jordan. [Tahing check.] Thank you, sir ! The 
money looks good to me. [He goes up to croud.] 

Polly. Fritz, I want you to make me a promise. 

Jordan. I will, in return for the promise you made 
me. 

Polly. That you will never, never, make another bet. 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 39 

Jordan. I swear — 

Polly. No, don't! 

Jordan. That never will bet us part! 

Polly. Oh, Fritz, you are a poet at heart I 

Jordan. How did you guess it? [Crowd enters left.'] 

Josh. Come on Polly or June, who's going to make 
the rarebit? 

Susy. Adolph ate all the cheese and we had to send 
Mr. Briggs for some more. [Briggs appears with cheese.'] 
Isn't he just too noble? [College yell heard in distance.] 

June. It's Tom! [She goes to extreme right. All 
rush to door.] 

Josh. [At door.] They're carrying him home on 
their siioulders ! There's a regular mob ! [Enter Tom 
disheveled.] 

Daisy. Hah for Tom ! [He is surrounded down 
center.] 

Josh. Congratulations, old sport ! It was ripping. 

Percy. [Slapping him on hack.] Bah jove, I never 
saw such work. 

Josh. Work ! It made me feel tired to watch you ! 

Susy. Oh, Mr. Horton, you played just like an 
Angelus — I mean an Angel ! [Tom breaks away and goes 
over right to Hicks, Polly, and Jordan.] 

Susy.' [Sighing contentedly.] I'm so glad I've seen 
one real hero in my life ! 

Hicks. [Shaking Tom's hand.] I shall be proud to 
have you in my employ, sir. 

Tom. [Dismally.] In your employ? Yes, I'm going 
to " settle down," now. [J.st6?^.] Somebody find me a 
knot-hole to get lost in. A hero ! I feel like twenty-three 
cents — 

Fritz. Congratulations, old man. You must be walk- 
ing on air. 

Tom. [Pretends to do so.] Oh, yes! And Polly — ? 

Polly. [Who has turned her hack on hiin.] I should 
think he'd be ashamed to come here after the way he 
acted this afternoon. 

Claire. [Outside.] Help, help — 



40 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

JosiT. [Running.'] What's the matter? 

Claire. I've tipped over the chafing dish and the rab- 
bit is running away. [Exeunt all in excitement, except 
Jordan, Polly, Tom, and June and Flora who hesitate 
at door.] 

Polly. [Turns to Tom.] I don't care, I can't stay 
cross with you, Tom; you did play a splendid game,- and 
we're proud of you. Fritz told me about that horrid bet, 
and I think it's grand that you can stay in college, so 
there ! 

Tom. Stay in college ! The tall timber looks pretty 
good to me now. I'm thinking of turning missionary to 
the Zulus. 

Polly. Tom, June would never consent — she told me, 
you know. 

Tom. Don't mention June — 

Polly. See, she's looking at you now^ 

Tom. [Aside.] And Flora's looking at me too. Of 
all the double breasted, California-humped, knock-kneed 
mix-ups this is the limit ! [Exeunt June and Flora.] 

Polly. You're cordial, I must say! I think I've for- 
given enough. [Turns to Fritz, exit Tom. Enter Biudi- 
CUT center.] 

Jordan. Golly — here's Biddy! Find me something to 
study, quick. [Jordan and Polly luint for hool', Polly 
gets the dictionary and Jordan stands doivn right read- 
ing it.] 

Polly. " [To Biddicut.] Ah, how-do, Professor! So 
glad you could come. Yes, it was a long hard lesson — 
I mean game, and a good dictionary — I mean crowd ! 
You find us all busy with our little pastimes ; j\Ir. Jordan, 
as usual, deep in his books. Really, Professor — that young 
man will break down from over-study. Such enthusiasm 
for books — such a passion for the higher learning — 
fBiDDicuT hrealcs aivay from her and goes over to 
Jordan.] 

Biddicut. Mr. Jordan, "Mr. Jordan. [Jordan turns 
'pages of 'bool\'\ I have something of import to impart to 
you, Mr. Jordan. 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 4I 

Jordan. [Looking up gravely.'] k\\, Professor. Ex- 
cuse me one moment ; a most interesting discussion here — 
[Turns hack to hook.'] 

Polly. [ilsfcZe.] Heavens — if he should find out it is 
the dictionary ! 

BiDDicuT. I have a slight error — very slight — to cor- 
rect — 

Jordan. In the words of the sage, Professor, it is un- 
wise to disturb the adolescent mind in its search for truth. 
[Aside to Polly.] For Jove's sake, call him off, Polly — 
I'm getting cramps in the brain ! 

BiDDicuT. [Turning to Polly in desperation.'] I 
cannot understand what this young man says. Perhaps 
you will listen, Miss Polly. 

Polly. [Making face.] With pleasure, Professor. 

BiDDicuT. I have been acting under a misapprehension 
in telling our plain-spoken, earnest young friend here that 
he was behind in his work. A mere mistake in cognomens 
— Horton-Jordan, Jordan-Horton. 

Polly. [Brcathlesshj.] Yes? 

BiDDicuT. And Mr. Jordan is quite^ up in his work — 
in fact during the past few days, he has done excellent 
work. 

Polly. Glory. [Jordan drops hook and dances on it, 
waving arms. E^iter Hicks, left.] 

Polly. And Mr. Horton — what about him? 

BiDDicuT. Upon further consideration, I have decided 
also to pass Mr. Horton — all previous advice to the con- 
trary notwithstanding. Mr. Horton plays excellent basket- 
ball'! 

Jordan. Bully for Tom ! [Polly goes over to Jordan 
and they hold hands and dance up stage and off, left.] 

Hicks. [Coming doivn.] What, what? 

BiDDicuT. Ah, Mr. Hicks ! I find I have made an 
error. I have been working Mr. Jordan, not Mr. Horton, 
as you said. I have explained the error to Mr. Jordan, 
however, and 

Hicks. Well, well, well, well. I thought you wasn't 
much to be depended on, Biddy. 



4:2 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

BiDDicuT. And I shall consider our late compact 
closed — I have no wish to flunk Mr. Horton. 

Hicks. Well, well, well, well, — 

BiDDicuT. Now, if you will excuse me, I shall go. 
There is a most interesting discussion this evening in the 
faculty meeting. I bid you good evening, sir. [Exit 
BiDDicuT, enter Flora.] 

Hicks. Well, of all the dum idiots! 

Flora. Needn't be so blue about it. 

Hicks. I've reasons enough ! A deaf old Professor 
makes trouble for the wrong fellow; plan No. 1 gone to 
the dogs 

Flora. Yes, but — 

Hicks. Then my bet with his room-mate. Game won ; 
bet lost, Horton's money matters in fine shape ; plan num- 
ber 2 fizzles out. 

Flora. Yes — but the one about me and Mr. Horton — 
Tom. Why, ain't that working all right? 

Hicks. [Looking at her narrowly.'] We must give 
that up too. 

Flora. Give it up? [Angrily.'] Then you lose Mr. 
Tom. 

Hicks. Yes, but w^e must give it up just the same. I 
can't let you marry Horton because. Flora, I want you to 
marry me. 

Flora. Oh! How sudden you are, Mr. Hicks. 

Hicks. I'll put it plain. Flora. Dtop this student and 
marry me. 

Flora. Give me time to think. 

Hicks. No, Flora, tell me now. I must know. 

Flora. Well, I — I might — think about it. 

Hicks. No, don't think about it; business is business. 
Tell me now. 

Flora. Why, then — ^you stupid, I — I will! [Sud- 
denly.] But what about Mr. Tom? 

Hicks. Never mind him. 

Flora. But — I'm engaged to him. 

Hicks. Jilt him. 

Flora. Poor boy! What if he won't let me off? 



HICKS AT COLLEGE. 43 

Hicks. Then I'll see him. He's only a student — and 
[feeling ntiuscle] " Braino builds brawn." 

Flora. No — I'll see him. I'll try to break it to him 
gently, but I'm afraid it will hurt him dreadfully. [Enter 
Tom left, and goes eagerly toward Flora.] 

Hicks. This means me to the salad ! [Exit Hicks.] 

Flora. [Aside.'\ I must do it. 

Tom. [Aside.'] Horton, don't lose your nerve now. 

Flora. Mr. Horton — 

Tom. I was looking — [Both pause — hotJi stiffen.] 

Flora. I have something important to say to you. 

Tom. So have I. It's all a mistake, Flora. I've been 
thinking, and — 

Flora. It's only fair to tell you — 

To]M. [Sta^nng.] No, for me to tell you that we — 
that I— 

Flora. No, for me to tell you that — I am — 

Tom. I feel that I must tell you that you misunder- 
stood — in the last few minutes I've decided to tell — 

Flora. I must tell you, Mr. Horton, I made up my 
mind several minutes ago — I'm sorry if it hurts you, but — 

Tom. [Impatiently.'] Half an hour ago, I looked for 
you to tell you that it w^as all a mistake, that affair this 
morning — 

Flora. I don't know what you're talking about, but 
I'm sorry if — 

Tom. This morning I didn't mean — 

Flora. [Dismayed squeal.] You didn't ! It was me ! 
Two hours ago I was going to break it off! [Very fast.] 
I can't marry you and it's all off for good. 

Tom. [Whistles.] W— What. 

Flora. I can't and I won't — I don't care what you say. 
I am the future Mrs. Hiram Hicks, wife of the millionaire 
Braino Man ! 

Tom. [Aside.] Whow! Talking about having roses 
thrown at you ! [To Flora.] Flora, I was just hunting 
you up to explain the mistake and see if you wouldn't let 
me off. 

Flora. Certainly, I forgive you. 



44 HICKS AT COLLEGE. 

Tom. [Eagerly.'] Then it's all broken off? 

Flora. I nmst do it ! 

Tom. Flora, you're a brick ! You're a priceless jewel! 
[Exeunt both, mutually grateful left. Enter June with 
Briggs.] 

Briggs. I feel a most peculiar sensation in the region 
of my solar plexus; Miss Susy has said she will attend tlic 
Prom with me ! 

June. You're really going? Well, I'm glad. 

Briggs. [Solemnly.] So am I ! But Miss June — the 
expenditure necessitated by such dissipation must be very 
large, is it not? It mnst be as much as ten dollars, I 
should say ! 

June. [J.si6?e] and Tom paid twelve for the beauties 
I carried last year! [To Briggs.] Well — ^almost ten — 
Mr. Briggs, I should say. 

Briggs. I have composed a letter asking my father for 
the necessary money. It is quite a masterpiece, I assure 
you. [Takes out letter.] I conclude as follows — [Read- 
ing.] " It grieves me very much, my dear father, to ask 
for this money. So much so, in fact, that after I had 
mailed the letter I went out and endeavored to get it back 
from the postman ; but in vain. Your dutiful son, 
Bastian." Excuse me, I'll go and mail it. [Exit Briggs. 
June loolcs after him perplexed, laughs and starts after 
him, enter Susy, left.] 

Susy. 0, Miss June ! The grandest thing has 
happened ! Guess what ? 

June. Susy, — How exciting! It can't be that you're 
going to the Prom ? 

Susy. How did you ever guess? Isn't it lovely? And 
with the grandest man — Mr. Briggs ! 

June. . Lucky Susy ! How we'll all envy you ! 

Susy. So I've just written a note to Aunt Susan for 
some money to buy a new dress. 

June. Of course. One's first Prom is so important. 

Susy. But Aunt Susan doesn't believe much in parties 
— she's dreadfully strict you know ! So I just asked her for 



HICKS AT COLLEGE, 45 

ten dollars to buy the necessary apparatus for an important 
experiment in Sociology ! 

June. Oh, clever, naughty little freshman! 

Susy. You're not shocked? 

June. Not now — but I might be if I thought it over. 
Better run out and mail it right away. 

Susy. Oh, I'm scared to. 

June. Mr. Briggs just w^ent down to the corner to mail 
a letter. 

Susy. Did he? Well — perhaps I'd better. [Exit 
Susy.] 

June. [Looking after her.1 How these children do 
grow up ! [Coming to front.^ It makes me think of my 
last Prom, with Tom ! Oh dear, oh dear ; things feel so 
queer now. [Looks toward door, left, where daughter and 
voices are heard.^ I suppose he's out there now making 
love to — to Flora! [Goes to fireplace — sits in chair. 
Enter Tom and Polly.] 

Tom. Polly, do jou suppose she'll ever forgive me? 

Polly. Well — I wouldn't — but June may. 

Tom. Hicks was back of the whole thing, I'm sure ! 
I've broken with Flora. It wasn't my fault, but I haven't 
the face to tell her so. 

Polly. Don't be a fraid-cat, Tom Horton. You got 
into the mess and now you can get yourself out. I have 
enough to do looking after Fritz — men are such a nui- 
sance ! [fe{^ Polly.] 

Tom. [Aside.] Honest, I feel rotten! [Sees June.] 
Golly — there she is now. [Goes over.] June! [June 
starts and tvipes eijes.~\ June, won't you speak to m.e? 

June. Mr. Horton ! I didn't think you'd be able to 
tear yourself away from that admiring mob. 

Tom. I've been looking for you everywhere ! 

June. I must have been asleep ! 

Tom. [Goes close to her.'] No — You've been crying! 
June — was it about me? 

June. You've no right to ask, Mr. Horton. 

Tom. Don't say that ! I have a right, June — I care 
so much ! June, you must listen — it was all a mistake — I 



^Q MICKS AT COLLEGE 

did not mean to ask Flora — to — to — She — she just 
grabbed me! 

Voices. [Outside.] Extree, Extree; Daily Shriek. 

June. I saw you. 

Tom. Honest, I couldn't get away. Hicks put her up 
to it to get me to stop school. I'm such an easy mark. 
[Jordan enters and goes out center door.] 

June. Yes — you are. 

Tom. But, June — won't you take me back? 

June. I oughtn't to ! 

Tom. Aw come on — just this once! 

June. How can I help it — [Re-enter Jordan.] 

Jordan. Whoopee. Here's the extra out already. 
[The rest of the company enters and stands about him. 
Jordan reads.] " Northern University Champions of the 
Country." [Cheer.] " Play opponents to a standstill on 
basket-ball arena." [Cheers.] " Final score — Northern, 
7; Wishagain, 5." [Cheers.] "Tom Horton who takes 
the ineligible Jordan's place, turns the tide of defeat into 
a blazing flood of victory ! " [Cheers in which Fritz 
joins, waving the paper. He finds his place again, 
whistles.] 

Polly. What is it, Fritz? 

Jordan. [Reads.] It will be with mingled regret 
and congratulations that Northern students will learn that 
Tom Horton, the hero of to-night's basket-ball game, will 
leave school next week to accept a position as advertising 
manager for the Braino Breakfast Food Company." 
[Sighs and groans from crowd.] 

June. Tom, you didn't tell me. 

Adolph. Think of going to work. 

Polly. It's funny, Tom Horton, you couldn't have 
told your best friends, so there. [Tom tries to speaTc.] 

Jordan. That's so, old man, why did you keep so ever- 
lastingly mum about it. [In disgust.] Braino ! 

Josh. / say, damn Braino! 

Hicks. [Steps forward.] Look here, ladies and gen- 
tlemen, Tom Horton was born to write Braino ads. [Bows 
to Tom.] 



HlCKs AT COLLEGE. 4^ 

Tom. [Bowing.'] " If you have a pain, 

Or if you have a brain 
Eat Braino." 
Hicks. You see? I thought I would get Tom willy- 
nilly. Never mind my plans. Charlie Padlet pressed me 
for news; the Daily Shriek did the rest. But I have 
changed my mind. Tom Horton will stay in college until 
he becomes a Bachelor of Arts. [Cheer from crowd.] 
June. 0, Tom. 

Hicks. Y^Yith a glance at June.] Though I hardly 
think he was cut out to be a Bachelor. As for me, I am 
otherwise engaged. [Goes to Flora's side.] 
Tom. 

For it's never to late to yearn, 
As the sage must find later or soon. 
Hicks'll root for jNTorthern with Flora. 
And I will eat Braino with June. 
[Flora with Hicks, June and Tom. The others 
gathered in a semi-circle on each side.] 

curtain. 



Won Back 

A Play in Four Acts 

By 
CLIFTON W. TAYLEUR 

Price, 25 cents 

Six male, four female characters. A play written in the same 
vein as "Held by the Enemv," "Shenandoah," "Across the Poto- 
mac," and other grreat New York successes. Mr. Tayleur has writ- 
ten many successful plays, but this striking- picture of the stirring 
times of the Great Rebellion surpasses them all. Costumes, civil 
and military of the period. Scenes, two interiors, and one land- 
scape with Confederate camp, easily managed. Time of playing-, 
two hours and thirty minutes. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS 

ACT I — Drawing-room, Arlington, Washington — J 860 

"Whom first we love, you know, we seldom wed; 
Time rules us all: and life indeed is not 
The thing we planned it out. ere hope was dead. 
And then, we women cannot choose our lot." 
In fetters — The rivals — North and South — The coy widow — A 
noted duelist — An old affection — The dismissal — The rivals meet— 
"You shall answer for this" — Farewell. 

ACT II — Same Scene— J 860 

"Who might have been — Ah, what, I dare not think! 
We are all changed. God judges for the best. 
God help us do our duty, and not shrink. 
And trust in Heaven humbly for the rest." 

Broken ties — A Vassar girl's idea of matrimony — A Washington 
savage — Schooling a lover — Affairs of honor — The Northern fire- 
eater — The missing challenge — Betrothed. 

ACT III — Drawing-room in New York Hotel— J 86 J 

"With bayonets slanted in the glittering light 
With solemn roll of drums. 
With starlit banners rustling wings of night. 
The knightly concourse comes." 

To arms! To arms! — Stand by the flag — A woman's duty — A 
skirmish in the parlor — On to Richmond — Reunited — The passing 
regiment. 

ACT IV — Confederate Camp at Winchester J 864 

"No more shall the war cry sever, or the winding river be red; 
They banish our anger forever, when they laurel the graves of our 
dead." 
A cowards' armor — A hand to hand struggle — Hugh captured — 
Sentenced to be shot — A ministering angel — Harold King's re- 
A-enge — The attack on the camp — Death of King — After the battle^ 
Won back. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



NOV 27 1909 



Hageman^s Make-Up Book 

By MAURICE HAGEMAN 

Price, 25 cents 

The importance of an effective make-up is becoming more appar- 
ent to the professional actor every year, but hitherto there has been 
no booic on the subject describing the modern methods and at the 
same time covering- all branches of the art. This want has now 
been filled. Mi\ Hageman has had an experience of twenty years 
as actor and stage-manager, and his well-known literary ability has 
enabled him to put the knowledge so gained into shape to be of 
use to others. The book is an encyclopedia of the art of making up. 
Every branch of the subject is exhaustively treated, and few ques- 
tions can be asked by professional or amateur that cannot be an- 
swered bv this admirable hand-book. It is not only the best make- 
/:p book "ever published, but it is not likely to be superseded by 
«j.ny other. It is absolutely indispensable to every ambitious actor. 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. General Remarks. 

Chapter II. Grease-Paints, their origin, components and use. 

Chapter III. Tlie IVIake-up Box, Grease-Paints, Mirrors, Face 
Powder and Puff, Exora Cream, Rouge, Liquid Color, Grenadine, 
Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig 
Paste, Mascaro, Crape Hair, Spirit Gum, Scissors, Artists' Stomps, 
Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes for Cold Cream. 

Chapter IV. Preliminaries before Making up; the Straight Make- 
up and how to remove it. 

Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Cream.s, Rouge, Lips, 
Eyebrows, Eyelashes, Character Roles, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. 

Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straight Juvenile Make-up, Society 
Men, Young Men in 111 Health, with Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, 
Hands, Wrists, Cheeks, etc. 

Chapter VII. Adults, Middle Aged and Old Men. Ordinary Type 
of Manhood, Lining Colors, Wrinkles, Rouge, Sickly and Healthy 
Old Age, Ruddy Complexions. 

Chapter VIII. Comedy and Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- 
fects, Wigs, Beards, Eyebrows, Noses, Lips, Pallor of Death. 

Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the 
Eyes and Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. 

Chapter X. Other Exposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. 

Chapter XI. Wigs, BearcTs, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing 
a Wig, Powdering the Hair, Dimensions for Wigs, Wig Bands, Bald 
Wigs, Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, 
Beards for Tramps, Moustaches, Eyebrow^s. 

Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North 
American Indians, New England Farmers, Hoosiers, Southerners, 
Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, Mulattoes, 
Quadroons, Octoroons, Negroes, Soldiers during War, Soldiers dur- 
ing Peace, Scouts, Pathfinders, Puritans, Early Dutch Settlers, 
Englishmen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, 
Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Germans, Hollanders. 
Hungarians, Gipsies, Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors, Caffirs, Abys- 
sinians, Hindoos, Malays, Chinese, Japanese, Clowns and Statuary, 
Hebrews, Drunkards, Lunatics, Idiots, Misers, Rogues. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



NOV 15 m 



PLAYS. 



BEING the largest theatrical booksellers fa 
the United States, we keep in stock the most 
complete and best assorted lines of plays and 
entertainment books to be found in this country. 

We can supply any play or book pub- 
lished. We have issued a 144-page catalogue 
of the best 1500 plays and entertainment books 
published in the U. S. and England. It con- 
tains a full description of each play, giving 
number of characters, time of playing, scenery, 
costumes, etc. This catal-Dgue will be sent free 
on application. 

The plays described are suitable for am- 
ateurs and professionals, and nearly all of them 
may be performed free of royalty. Persons in- 
terested in dramatic books should examine oul 
catalogue before ordering elsewhere. 

The Dramatic Publishing Company. 

CHICAGO. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 401 583 1 




